TOP FIVE: FOOTBALL’S UGLIEST TROPHIES

The nicest silverware in football don’t always make for the most pleasant viewing

 

The past week, this weekend, and much of the summer would be graced with occasions during which the best sides in football will be crowned with all sorts and forms of silverware as we go through the business end of the game’s calendar. But not all of the trophies you’d see merit a second look and, below, KickerGH presents those trophies whose appearance could just make any lover of aesthetics cringe. Try not to look away, eh.

THE JULES RIMET TROPHY

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Really, whoever thought it suitable to devise this as the ultimate prize in football’s most glamorous competition was more of a mad-man than a genius. Somehow, others shared that view too as, after the item was given to Brazil for keeps following their Fifa World Cup triumph in 1970 (thereafter ceasing to be the trophy handed out to winners), some persons still deemed it valuable enough to be stolen and allegedly melted. Probably, though, that was an act of mercy to the world, just so we wouldn’t have to see that atrocity again; too bad pictures of it still exist. Haunting, I tell you.

THE UEFA CHAMPIONS LEAGUE TROPHY

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The only thing I could genuinely mock about this trophy has to do with that silly yet remarkably apt alias given it: ‘Big Ears’ (or ‘Ol’ Big Ears’, as the English would call it).

Its designer, Jürg Stadelmann, alludes to piecing the totem together using ideas he felt would appeal to different European cultures in an attempt to arrive at a widely-loved design. The final product — this shapeless, oversized and indecently big-eared trophy — proved anything but an epitome of beauty and remains a giant lesson in why not to try pleasing everyone.

Oh and, Jürg, exactly which culture were you trying to appeal to with those handles?

THE FIFA WORLD CUP TROPHY (CURRENT)

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The ‘old’ World Cup may not have been a sight for sore eyes, but its successor looks little better. Though by far the biggest, most coveted prize in all of football at present, the Fifa World Cup trophy isn’t even a proper cup. A ‘Cup’, by definition, should have a groove, deep or shallow, to be filled with beer when a German side wins it. Ask Jogi Low and Co. if their celebrations after the 2014 Fifa World Cup were complete and, should he answer in the negative, it’s probably for the reason just cited. And, really, why would we need two guys to carry the globe when Atlas could do it all alone?

THE COPPA ITALIA

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Aha, the Johnny Bravo of silverware! Ever seen an unbelievably well-endowed woman whose incredibly tiny waist seems overworked and hemmed in as it tried to hold in place a bulging bust and curvy hips/bulky rear?
Well, meet the Coppa Italia — the one trophy that always seems to remind men that sexy isn’t always safe. It’s so top-heavy a mild gust of wind could almost knock it over.

Even worse, it comes with no handles (another flaw of the World Cup), making it even trickier to grip. Heck, I daresay hoisting it is harder work than actually winning it!

THE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY

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Next time you go out to get a vase for your freshly-acquired bouquet, double-check the product you receive to be sure it’s not branded with the Uefa logo — it could just be the trophy to be awarded the victors at this summer’s European Championship!

With its constricted neck and practically useless handles [for a trophy], well, it’s either a vase or, better still, one of those jars Jesus used in transforming water into wine. Just don’t ask me why Uefa gets all the crappy designs.

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