TOP FIVE: THE ‘PERFECT’ GHANA HEAD COACH

Ghanaians like the senior national team’s head coach to be someone probably no human could be

By: Sammie Frimpong

Successive head coaches of Ghana’s Black Stars have found out, rather belatedly, that the role isn’t the toughest to occupy, once you have it in you to be a combination of the first four persons below — or, alternatively, simply being the fifth.

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Mr. Kwesi Nyantakyi must be a really worried man trying to meet these demands

A HOUSEWIFE

Ghanaians, as should be obvious by now, prefer that the national team’s head coach always stays at home. If he’s not in Ghana monitoring the good, bad and ugly of the local league, he’s not doing his job well enough. It’s just why the Black Stars’ hot-seat would suit any housewife very well. In case you’ve got one in your home, kindly notify her when next the Ghana Football Association alerts the world of a vacancy.

DEAF AND/OR DUMB

Another thing the press and football fans in Ghana absolutely detest is a Stars’ boss who actually hears all the abuse we spew at him and cares enough to spew some right back at us. I mean, who dares do that. . . right?
Well, you know who: Avram Grant, the current Stars’ coach who, by the way, also falls short of the first requirement on this list.
If, unlike Grant, a coach doesn’t talk back or, at least pretends he doesn’t even hear our crap in the first place, hire him!

DAVID BECKHAM

Really, guys: what good is a coach who always gets his tactics right and wins all the games but cannot find enough clothes in his wardrobe to look good?
It’s one reason why Grant’s predecessor Kwesi Appiah and Grant himself have been bashed — and why fashion icon and former England captain David Beckham would seem a rather fine, dashing choice to head Ghana’s technical bench. If he impresses on the runway, he should on the touchline as well, right?

A VOLUNTEER

If there’s anything Ghanaians hate more than a coach who doesn’t stay at home, responds in kind to criticism, and who can’t look good enough to save his life, it’s a bloke who fails at all those things. . . and still expects to get paid for it. Actually, the idea of financially rewarding anyone for coaching the Black Stars — especially if the fee has so many zeros attached — is anathema to the Ghanaian.
We like to think coaching the Stars is a privilege anyone should be pleased to take up pro bono and, really, why shouldn’t it be?

GOD

All the above aside, there are a few other things the ideal Ghana head coach should have which, when added to the aforementioned four, no human could possibly possess — perhaps only God could. And, sometimes, that’s just whom it does seem Ghanaians would be content with. We’re that easy to please eh.

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