Ever wondered what the Ghana Premier League would look like
in a classroom setting?

After a considerably lengthy delay, Ghana’s Premier League kicks off on February 20, much to the relief of football clubs and fans around the country who had grown increasingly restless.

For a moment, though, imagine that the 16 clubs cleared to feature in the 2016 season were students in a classroom — just how would the scenario appear? And which type of student would you identify with your favourite club?

Take a peek below:

The boy who, after many years spent ‘wasting’ his wealthy dad’s investment, finally ‘chopped’ first last term. He’d be looking for more, of course, having savoured the sweet taste of victory for the first time in a long while. Emerging tops earned him participation in this year’s external exams, and it remains to be seen if he could ensure a healthy balance on both fronts.

Due to an honest error on the part of school authorities, the class’ naturally most brilliant ended last term feeling aggrieved over finishing 6th and successfully battled to have his rightful spot restored not too long after school closed for the holidays. Now, with justice fully served — he ultimately placed 2nd, by the way — and some brisk shopping for the best academic materials on the market, he heads into next term with renewed vigor. And why wouldn’t he, after performing so distinguishably in the quiz held to wrap up vacation classes!

The boy from the ‘village’ who never ceases to shock us all with his unexpectedly incredible grades. He’s by no means the biggest in the class, neither are his brains as sharp as some others’, yet he always seems to do just enough to stand tall. It’s how he came just a few points away from claiming first place in last year. Forget the tests, quizzes and end-of-term exams; sometimes all you need is to get your homework done very well — if you catch my drift.

The kid who always rides to school in the chauffeur-driven limo owned by his affluent father. He — equipped with designer eyewear, braces, the full ‘dada-bee’ works — reigned supreme in the class once (not without the invaluable aid of costly extra tuition and the best textbooks, though) but needs to quickly snap out of the illusion that things would always be so rosy.

Good in Science, but can’t even manufacture a simple battery. Theoretically excellent, practically irrelevant. As always.

That student nobody thinks much of, though remarkably forceful. He stuttered when he first joined the class two years ago but recovered to stage a stunning top-half finish, nearly even picking one of the lesser prizes. Last year, too, he reached higher than we all thought he would. Impressive, yes, but just how long could he keep it up?

A noteworthy student when the school first opened long ago, he went to sleep for a while and now seems trapped in the grey area between the past and the present, with his presence currently doing little more than merely making up the numbers.

Ah, the maverick who knows how to piss everyone else off! He speaks his mind, doesn’t fear to punch above his weight, and gets on with schoolwork even when, as occurred last term, he has to leave it late and push a bigger lad out to ensure his own safety.

The lad whose father is the headteacher yet who is content simply going through the motions year after year. Nothing spectacular on his results slip but works tidily enough not to fail. Average, but only too happy to be.

The ‘newcomer’ who — once enrolled under a different name — placed no higher last term than was expected of him. More room for improvement, needless to say.

Another rich boy, albeit one whose foster parent’s bountiful resources haven’t yielded much, except in those extracurricular activities where he has gained a foothold of sorts, claiming honours last term in that field as he did only two years prior.

The shy, puny runt of the litter and hardly the most noticeable student. It’s almost like he doesn’t exist even when he’s doing so well (as was the case two years ago) and is sometimes marked absent in the class register though present, such is his inconspicuousness. Perhaps one day he’d drop out and none would be too concerned — perhaps not. Either way, few really care. Unfortunate kid.

The big bully who, once so muscular and brainy to match, held sway over the remainder but who scares nobody anymore. He’s lost so much weight now — though some claim his chaotic, financially-handicapped home could be the real cause — that it’s affected his studies and struggles to hold his own anymore. Escaping a referral last year by the skin of his teeth, it’s surprising that when his family could finally afford some private tuition, lessons in Japanese — a wholly irrelevant subject per the curriculum, needless to say — were opted for.

See Hasaacas, only a slightly poorer version.

The new boys who are collectively half the reason why the academic
year is commencing months later than it really should have. They’re
acting like they’ve been part of the brood all along but, of course,
not everyone’s pleased to see them admitted, much less excel.


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